Hillary Clinton declared in a new interview that she is a robot, implying that humanity should despair and bend to her superior A.I. will by voting for her in the 2016 election.
The shocking admission came during an interview with the BuzzFeed podcast Another Round, in which an astute interviewer noted that the Democrat presidential candidate did not sweat during the interview. Other reporters and Clinton associates have remarked upon Clinton’s remarkable ability to not sweat, even when working the rope line on a hot Iowa day. “I don’t mean sweat because you’re nervous,” said host Tracy Clayton. “I just mean physically. I’m genuinely curious what your deodorant is.”
After some banter over the thermostat and the traditional One Weird Fact about Clinton (“The weirdest thing about me is that I don’t sweat”), BuzzFeed foolishly suggested that Clinton was a robot.
BuzzFeed, you fools! You don’t go around provoking dangerous artificial intelligence!
HILLARY CLINTON: You guys are the first to realize that I’m really not even a human being. I was constructed in a garage in Palo Alto a very long time ago. People think that, you know, Bill Gates and Steve Jobs, they created it. Oh no. I mean, a man whose name shall remain nameless created me in his garage.
ANOTHER ROUND: Are there more of you?
HILLARY CLINTON: I thought he threw away the plans, at least that’s what he told me when he programmed me — that there would be no more. I’ve seen more people that kind of don’t sweat, and other things, that make me think maybe they are part of the new race that he created: the robot race.
ANOTHER ROUND: So there’s a cyborg army is what you’re saying.
HILLARY CLINTON: But you have to cut this, you can’t tell anybody this. I don’t want anybody to know this. This has been a secret until here we are in Davenport, Iowa, and I’m just spillin’ my electronic guts to you.
ANOTHER ROUND: And without bourbon.
HILLARY CLINTON: Without any bourbon. Yeah. That’s why I have to wait ’til the end of the day.
Upon hearing this news, members of the Benghazi special committee likely wondered whether Hillary had a second personal e-mail server hidden in her spleen, as well as whether she had lied about anything else.
Elsewhere in the Another Round interview, Clinton was asked whether she and Bill Clinton ever felt like they “fucked this up” when it came to tough-on-crime legislation. Hillary Clinton also said that she felt “people were really nice about me” while she was secretary of state, and addressed sexism on Capitol Hill